Interesting Return

It has been forever… I guess I should start writing again here…

I’m working on a book, working on music and just plain working

We shall see where this actually gets me.

For now, just remembering a fallen friend who died a year ago today…

I hate you and you know it.

Sometimes I just don’t get it.

I’ve been through so much in my relatively short life.  The fighting to get back up again.  The hardships endured.  The friends made.  The love lost.  The pure and unexplainable desire to snap to just be committed and stared at through a porthole the rest of my life.

Why… Why when so many things are seemingly going right again, do I feel like this?

I am unbelievably depressed with my situation and it just seems to get worse day by day.  I have a job that pays me more than peanuts, a cushion of income in the bank, food in my stomach and a roof over my head.  I should be happy.

But, why can I not find this happiness.  This would seem like the logical question to ask.  I know why I can’t find this happiness.

I rarely have questions about life’s odd sense of humor anymore.  But, I do have the answers for my screwed up life.

I’m 27 years old.  Living with my parents again, miles and miles from friends that know me in the extent of who I am.  I still do not have a car, though I may have a cushion of income.  I can’t even think of a way to get a car since everyone wants way too much money for rubbish.  My credit is shot to shit, but is on the upswing, just not fast enough for me to go out and get a loan for a new car.

I get a gut feeling I find a special someone for life… and the powers that be seem to keep us apart no matter what we try to do. I just get that weird feeling that this is going to spin out of control again and I will be left alone to dwell on whatever it is that I’ve done to deserve this.

People say being positive helps to bring positivity.  Those people need to be drug out into the street and forced to eat a brick.  Fuck positive thoughts, all they do is end up letting you down.  I’ve tried the whole positive outlook on life and it brought me pain, misfortune and a deep seeded hate for all of mankind.

The sad state of affairs in this world are due cause alone to get depressed.  I don’t care about people suffering anymore, because everyone suffers.  I don’t care about some nation that needs aid because they are poor, because this nation is the saddest and poorest example of a country on this entire planet.  How can one country fuck up so much of the world is beyond me.  But we’ve done it.  Bush, Cheney, The Government as a whole, The poor people, the rich people, the middle class people.  Every single one of us is a failure.  The man who makes 20 billion dollars by exploiting the poor is just as bad as a man who murdered a baby and fucked it just to get off.

This world is a shitter and I’m waiting for the great flush.

I know some of you are saying, “But Steve, you always think these things, why not try to make a change?”

Are you fucking kidding me?  A change?  Yeah, because getting a Toyota Prius and claiming to be Green is helping the environment.  What the hell is wrong with you people?  Even if we all banded together as one… someone would have an itchy trigger finger and blow it all for the rest of us.

Humans, by nature, can not get along.

Besides me being angry with my current position in life, I can’t get ahead with the state of the world around me.  I try to forget what the rest of the world wants and just make headway for myself.  I can’t even seem to get that to work out right.  I can’t seem to look most people in the eyes anymore, because people disgust me.

Lets shift this rant from one thing to another.

The world is shit, yes I know, so is my life.

Why the fuck am I doing, sitting here, at 10pm on a friday night… ranting on the internet like an angry nerd does?

Besides the obvious hate people fact, I think its because I can’t seem to stand doing shit in public anymore.  I miss having friends that I could go have a drink with and talk the entire night about anything and not get bored.  I miss the ability to just sit around and get really deep about shit and recall old times and have a good laugh.

I lost that when I moved down here.

I might have gained security in finances, but I lost everything else.

What does this mean to most of you?  Fuck if I know, you’re reading this because you’re a friend of mine, past or present.  I just needed a canvas to unload on as I’m bored and its friday night and I can’t figure out why this depression is eating at me.

Face it, life is fucking funny in that severely downs syndrome type of way.  You want to laugh at it all, but you know that if you do, someone is going to smack you and tell you that you’re wrong and to be more compassionate.

Just another Blog Post

Yeah its been a couple months or some shit.

Praise Allah, Praise Buddah, Praise Krishna, I guess God as well. Of course, big shout out to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Cthulu.  Word.

Anyway.

Oh how I’ve been fucking hating this state so much.

You know what pure hate is?  Ghengis in Florida.  That is about that.

“Wait…”, you seem to be saying, “You were just praising a whole bunch of deities!!!1oneeleventy1!”.

Yes, because the money I have spent to give to the state to get my license back has come back to me.

Lets rewind and go wtf all together at the end.

License trouble, as you know, was my middle name.
The state would tell me every damn time I talked to them roughly the following:

“YOU GIVE US $1300 OF YOUR MONIES NOW AND THEN YOU CAN MAKING CAR DRIVES YES!”

So, shit happened, shit sucked…

I end up moving back in with my fucking parents, yadda yadda.

I get a job working for the red devil again.  Which has turned into a promotion and a decent job somehow.

What does this all mean?

I saved the fucking money up and sent it to this lovely states capital.

I then post the blog I posted about the happy time fun yay license joy.

Then a couple weeks go by.

I get a check for $1300 in the mail from the state of Florida.

They tell me that I didn’t have to pay it because the suspension was lifted as of July 7 2007.

They and everyone else just forgot to…

FUCKING INFORM ME.

Shit happens for a reason I guess.  My next goal is to get a car.  Then I can at least visit some peeps back up in Tampa and maybe NY if the car is decent enough to make the 1400 mile journey.

So yeah…

all together now:

WHY SO GAY FLORIDA? WHY SO FUCKING GAY?

Measured In Grey

I love these guys, I really do.

Not in some gay fanboi way like you would think.  I love them because they remind me of my past.  Growing up in NY and having fun.  The music has always been amazing there.  For once, I’m happy to hear that sound back again.

Measured in Grey

Just a bunch of great guys making great music.  Sure I may be a bit biased.  My brother from another mother Brad is behind the kit.  However, if you love punk with some fucking heart, these kids have it.

I found a collage someone made on youtube for their newest single: Friday The 16th Part IV: A New Beginning… Enjoy and support them.

Taking it one step at a time.

I know I said I was going to explain my comment of my hatred for French Canadians.  However, that was in the heat of the moment.  I stand corrected and just hate French Canadian Retired Old People Of Annoying Fuckery Try to Steal Money From You and Your Company people.

Ok that clears that up.

So, I’m getting really close.  My only issue is finding someone that I can trust to get car insurance through.  You see, since I had a no name piece of shit company before… I know what to lookout for now.

The no name piece of shit insurance company is part of the reason I’ve been in this mess since October 29 2005.   So now I have to get a special type of insurance, one that is normally associated with DUI cases.  SR22 insurance.

Oh and to top it off, if you are a subscriber to my Myspace blog you know this part, I don’t have a car.  So I have to have a Non-Owner’s Policy.  But no one will give me a quote for this seemingly imaginary policy.

Once i get that, I pay $1300 to the state.  I’m right at that point now.  I just need to wait another paycheck so I have a little cushion in my account.

It makes me wonder what I did in my past lives to deserve this path.  I’ve been down to the bottom so much that they have set up a cot there for me.  Be it Homelessness, Financial Crisis, Job Loss, Car Accident, Fights, ETC.  I never asked or tried to steer down that road.  I just blinked and was there.

But I’m a fighter.

I’ll make it fine.

Sooner or later.

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be. ” -Douglas Adams

For those of you who Emailed me.

This is a post for you.

There happy now?

I really have nothing to say right now. I’m always sore from work. My feet hurt like fuck. I hate French Canadians. I’ll explain that one another day. But, French Canada, your old people population that comes to Florida every year has ruined your already tarnished name.

Lineage 2 has been consuming me again. Thanks to the Caliburn L2 team. It’s a fun community and awesome game that I missed playing. Sure the female characters are whorish, but isn’t that what everyone wants?

The GM staff is pretty awesome and the players are culturally diverse. That is a good thing.

Umm…

Yeah no real big rants today. But look forward to the tyrannical rant coming in the future.

The Difference Between US and Us.

You know, I haven’t really been on the ball lately. I have a meaningless job again, getting paid barely enough money for a normal person to survive. Luckily I’m in my situation to save.

I got my income taxes back too. The collection agency handling my student loans used a scare tactic to say that I will never have any income tax check ever again. Luckily, it was just a scare tactic. This put me just a few weeks paychecks from hitting my goal of getting my license back. Things are good……..

Wait…

No they aren’t.

You see, this is where I haven’t been on the ball.

I look at my situation and struggle to comprehend the problems at hand. Wondering why I have them. This is where the concept of “us” comes in. Us, are the people who are in this situation. Nearly the entire country, hell, even most of the world is going through what I am right now.

It is a sad, sad day, when your retired parents have no money and are living paycheck to paycheck from the government. I currently have more money than they do. And lets put it this way. I don’t have much.

So, where does that put the US? Well, as my friends in other countries say, “You guys are falling off the map.”

At first, I didn’t believe it, because I was so enthralled with my own problems. Now that I’m seeing this with wider eyes, since I can take a breath before I fall back down into the depths again.

I’m afraid we’re heading toward another disaster that, like New Orleans, we will never recover. EVER.

He, whom shall not be named, has been trying to pass stupidly high budgets… also, I swear I saw him punch a nun or pee on Jesus. Or whatever gets your goat. If you don’t like him already, then good, if you do like him in any way, take a gun and do the rest of the WORLD a favor and eat a hollowpoint please. It’s because of you and your mentality that US is not synonymous with Us.

Free thinking and Free will are all good, I’m not saying that we as a people need to be full on sheep and baa our way to death together. That is silly and you need to recognize that this country has been in decline for a long time now. Anyway, enough of the rant, I leave you with a quote and a video today.

“The decisions we make in Washington have a direct impact on the people in our country, obviously.” –George W. Bush

So, its been a little tougher than usual.

I haven’t really had the need or will to write lately.

This is more due to the fact that I have been exhausted and just want to sleep or play a game that eats away at reality a little bit.

I watched the Superbowl.  All I can say is that I’m happy.  Not that the Giants won, but that the Patriots failed.

So yeah.  I’m going to sip my coffee this morning and get ready for another week full of work.  I’m not even worried about my Tax return this year.  I’m not even counting on it.  The letters that my student loan lenders sent last year said they would take it from me.  But by the off chance that they don’t…

Well, that would just be another step forward.

Everyone knows my life wouldn’t be that easy though.

I will be making roughly $200 a week.  Not a large sum by any means.  However, I have no real expenses at the present time except for my cell phone.  Which will be roughly 1/8th of my monthly income.

I’m hoping by my birthday I will be back on the road.   That would be nice.  One can only hope.

Let us journey, shall we?

So, as a paradoxical coma is upon me, I see that it is time to dig deep and dig hard for an anxiety fueled journey into my inner self.

Frightening as it may, I have searched long and hard, though the searching was way past the face value of my self.  I should have never looked so hard, for I would never have fell off the deep end.

The deep end, it seems, is only the beginning.  The start of a journey that we can’t recover from.  As the term says, “You can’t unsee what you’ve seen”.

Simply put, a fight to the finish is only a step to the beginning of something new.  I was finished.  I was done.  I started again.  I started new.

Though the body is starting to show the unexpected signs of aging already in my mere 26 years 11 months of being, they are there.  The pain that would go away in the course of a day, last for a couple.  The ability to rebound from simple things, is now a course of undue stress and tribulation.

The fight is a new one, and it is to the finish.  Or, as I stated before, to the new beginning.  One that no one really knows where it will bring me, but, rest assured, when I get there, it will be interesting as ever.

Thought I have not had a gifted and wonderful life, I can honestly say that there hasn’t been a dull moment.

Bouts of Depression and Mania were abundant.  Situations with unforeseen consequences had been abundant.  Friends passing on to another realm, friends falling from grace, friends earned and friends reunited.  Life has always been a sort of sublime independent film for me.

You know the type, no one really cares too much about it, but the few critics that see it tend to rave on about how epic a story it is.  Then the film takes off and goes Hollywood and makes a mockery of what your life was and you end up killing yourself before it even makes it to DVD.

Yeah, that would be my life summed up.

Funny, life is a few things indeed.

Tiresome

Changing

Lonely

Some try to tell me that life can’t be lonely when you find someone.

This can never be true.  I thrive on being alone it seems, because it was the times I was alone, that I truly got ahead in life.  I was able to get a car and get promoted at my jobs.

Without a second ego to feed, I never had time to falter.

I have no ego to feed now.

It is time to take this journey and fight to the beginning once again.  I’ll see where it takes me.

Maybe I’ll see you there.

 ”In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.”-Carl Jung

A proper post.

I think it’s been a couple days now since I’ve had a proper post.

I don’t think this is going to be one.  I’m sore and tired, but somehow, I feel better.  This might be due to the fact that I will have money coming in once again.  Sure it won’t be much, but it will have to do.

Here is some maths to break it down:

$8.50 an hour, horrible by any means, but it will do:

32 hours a week on average is about $272 before taxes.  I claim zero so the government can take my tax return from me anyway due to student loans, generally, you are looking at $200 per week:

$200 per week per 4 weeks is $800 per month:

$800 per month, minus the phone bill of about $100 per month is $700 per month.

Money toward helping with groceries and such with my parents is about $50 per month.

$650 per month.

Not good at all, but it will do.

$1300 in 2 months… $1500 in 2 months 1 week… that is enough to get the license back and still have some cash to get insurance.

or

2600 in 3 months, enough to get the license and a cheap junker car to get me around. This is going to be a long process, but I’ll make it.

“I wish I didn’t push the reset button so hard.” – Me